On yesterday...

She saw things she didn't want to see.

The pit-stains of humanity!

Lying, complaining, running away...

Selfish, sluggish, what more can she say?



Love is mostly dead

Charity is gone

The jerks reign on, triumphant

Their silly lives go on



Though the offenses are done

The masses will turn on one.

She'll get the biggest blame of all

For simply stating what she saw.

Trust and Faith

"It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them. " --Confucius

It has recently come to my attention that a friend of mine doesn't trust me. Or rather, she doesn't have faith in me. Needless to say, this is unsettling.

Hold on, Steph. Who are you to talk about trust? YOU don't trust anyone! Also, as you've blogged before, you've lost faith in all humanity!

Alright, calm down. Although technically true, I never said I don't trust my FRIENDS. I just don't trust the general population... a.k.a. humanity. And I've lost faith in them mostly due to what years of retail has taught me. Customers suck.

That's besides the point. I don't understand why my friend doesn't trust me because, as far as I know, I have a squeaky-clean track record with him/her. I have most always been true to my word and I've made it a point to not cancel on planned events. Also, as of a few days ago, I was welcomed with open arms into my friend's home.

But I will admit that there is a bit of a backstory to all of this. One person I no longer trust (due to that person's actions) is friends with my distrusting-friend.

Wow. This isn't confusing at all.

Look, I'm not going to get into the technicalities, okay? My friend thinks that I am going to ruin an upcoming event by doing... well... I don't even know what... fighting, I guess, with the person I distrust.

What?

He/she thinks I'm going to cause problems, even though I've told him/her that I won't. Now, to his/her credit, it is a semi-resonable thing to be concerned about. After all, I wouldn't want drama at my get-together either. And it is somewhat reassuring that he/she has also spoken with the other party.

Jeez, Steph. Why didn't you just use fake names? It's not like either one of them read this blog... or anyone, for that matter.

What I am really trying to say is that my word is not any assurance for my friend. He/she thinks I am going to cause problems. I'm not. I have absolutely no desire to do so. All I want to do is go to the get-together, catch up with people I haven't seen in awhile, and just have fun. So what if so-and-so is going to be there? He/she had every right to be invited, same as me. I'm not ghetto and have never been very confrontational anyway. (Not to imply that all ghetto people ARE confrontational... they're not.)

But let me end by saying this... it doesn't feel good knowing that you don't trust me, friend. Considering all that's happened (and you KNOW what I mean), I think I've handled myself decently. It's at LEAST a C+. Can't you please have some faith in me?

And to you, reader; oh what you must think. "She's crazy," "She's paranoid," "She's bitter and cold," "She's cynical," "She's stupid," "She had a mean soul!"

Think what you will... I know I do.

Water

I need water
Clean, sweet water
Purify,
Make me whole

Pop, my only,
Made me lonely
Demanding
Dumb a$$hole

Juice seemed neat,
Nice and sweet
Degrading,
Great big troll

Oh, now I see
Water is glee
Four-fifths of me
That's my decree
Hear my plea,
Water's the key
Come plant the tree,
Come make me free

STOP!!!

STOP!
Please, life; just stop for
one brief moment.
I need to breathe. I need to take this in.
I'm stuck.
I'm sinking in a pit of quick sand.
Not really, but still...

STOP!
Please stop doubting me.
I know what I am doing
For once.
Things can't change over night. Rome wasn't
built in a day
you know?

STOP!
Please stop thinking that I am not listening.
I am.
I hear you loud and clear. This is why I came to you
and why I continue to come.

STOP!
Please stop thinking that.
I know you blame me
but it is NOT my fault!
Don't shoot the messenger.
Don't shoot me.
I am just trying to help.

STOP!
Please stop everything
and LISTEN TO ME!
But you won't listen, will you?
You don't want to hear the truth. Well, okay then,
I get it!
But when you get hurt then don't come crying to me.
Because I tried to help.

STOP!
Please Steph, stop doing this
to yourself.
Stop making yourself cry.
Stop getting worked up over things
that you can't help.
Stop being afraid.
Stop being sad.
Stop thinking that it's hopeless
it's not.
You know better than that!

Most of all, Steph
DON'T stop trying!
Don't you dare! You are stronger
than all of this.
Don't you forget it!

I know...


but it's still hard.

Oh no, she's done it again!

**********************************************************
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Okay, Here’s What I Know as of Now

By Stephanie Summers

The hurricane has passed
The mighty storm has ceased
And all the rage has left me
****And as I survey the damage of the terrible
*******winds and rain
****I can only blame myself
****For the broken fences, toppled trees, scattered
*******shingles, and caved-in roofs
To say the very least

I created the storm
My feelings were enflamed
I fed kindling to the spark
****And now I sit here filled with immense
*******sorrow and guilt and pain
****The immature one, is me
****I let myself turn into one of those crazy
*******drama queens on TV
I’m so very ashamed

I stand now in rubble
Of the friendship I’ve killed
I look around, I ask it,
****I never should have used the word “Hate”;
*******it is such an ugly word
****I do not hate you, my friend
****I hate myself. I just unfairly put a target on you,
*******and fired
I beg it to rebuild

Those words I can’t unspeak
Have stabbed me in the heart
I took the time to sculpt them
****I thought I was being so clever with the
*******words I chose to use
****"Ha, ha, that’ll show him!”
****My heck, what is WRONG with me?
*******Seriously, no wonder I’m dateless!
Into that fiery dart

Revenge is no answer
“Getting even” is dumb
I thought it would give relief
****I admit I reveled in the thought of you getting your
*******heart torn
****Something some would call Karma
****But that’s not very Christian (literally) and I know
*******it is wrong
Instead it made me glum

It’s still true, you’ve hurt me
In much more ways than one
I do not think you meant it
****Because I have always known that you are
*******a good man. Yes, you are!
****That is why I once liked you
****And I should learn to be grateful for friends,
*******‘cause I’m lucky to have them
Besides, what’s done is done

The thing that hurt the most
Is that you lied to me
You kept all that a secret
****You said something like,
*******“I’m just not ready to date anyone now.”
****Then you asked her on a date
****One thing you’ve gotta know, girls talk to their friends,
******* always keep that in mind!
That’s SO not cool, you see?

Whether “He” is out there
Or whether “He” is not
Should not coincide with friends
****By “He” I mean “Mr. Right”, my future spouse,
*******the one who’ll love me
****Right now I doubt he exists
****After all I have done I don’t deserve somebody
*******to love me back
Though that happens a lot

I’m sorry I hurt you
And that I said those words
I don’t think you are a freak
****I don’t regret writing the poem
*******I just regret that I posted it
****That was hateful and cruel
****I know a lot of people don’t read my words, but you did,
*******I know it
There’s nothing wrong with nerds

I guess that I am sick
I know that I’m a fool
I need to be back on track
****It’s frustrating; I’ve already climbed a mountain,
*******now there’s one more
****Can’t my road ever be smooth?
****Yeah, yeah, “The Road Less Travelled”, I get it.
*******That is what I REALLY get!
Not a butt of a mule

To “Anon”, as you’re called,
To you, just this I’ll say
Thank you, thank you for your verse
****Although, I am pretty sure I know who you are anyway,
*******friend
****Can I still call you a friend?
****Your poem made it sound like I can,
*******but I would rather hear it first hand
You’ve helped me on my way